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like that old joke, with low blood pressure you can live forever, if you call that living [Oct. 22nd, 2010|12:42 pm]
[Current Mood |weirddizzy]
[Current Music |frog people, frooog people, frooog people chant]

i am absolutely unsatisfied with this spinning in your own flesh, tired, suffocating life. disease that doesn't crawl around you but rests, spreading in the slowest of ways, a suicide on the highway of your bloodstream, disrupting everything. too weak and exhausted to sleep, to work, to read a goddamn book or pay attention to a tv show. spinning uncomfortably in my chair for hours, staring at the television i am too dizzy to keep up with.
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i'm longing to linger til dawn... [Sep. 20th, 2010|11:39 pm]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]
[Current Music |way down yonder in new orleans- now la via en rose]

Navy blue sky, and the perfect warmth and cool breeze washing over you. A waxing moon lights everything, the voluptuous vines, and they shivering boughs of trees. It's a Katherine Hepburn movie night, WASP-y and sweet, truly perfumed air; everything that the rich can't buy but, somehow, do. You think of the Hamptons, of pools that are black in the night, and champagne, hibiscus and roses, tropical and proper,ravaging and caged wonders. Grey bleached wood, lay out on it, look up and the blinking of planes, and the stars and planets whose audacious glow pierces through the fog of city light. Orchids are foil bright, reflecting the moon like they were made for it, a torch in the dark of roses, sweet potato vine, lantana and zinnias.
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we've got a red alert, we pull the plug out and we na na na nah [Aug. 12th, 2010|04:48 am]
[Current Mood |stressedshaky]
[Current Music |don't fall asleep with the motor on, she'll make you sweat in the water]

Upside down waiting for the sunrise, a vomit might as well be in your hair kind of night. Shake shake shake to the music in your prone state. Pull the plug out and it is cigarette and last rites time. The warning light blinks and a robotic voice is announcing the numbers somewhere. Somewhere there is a countdown I am sure. Click click clickity scratch of your razor on glass and boom.

Pupils pulse painfully wide, you blink repeatedly in the dull light, sniffly and twitchy. Mmm, numb teeth, numb cheeks, your heart beats double time. Roll over, touch your shoulder, tense veins knot, nerves like downed power lines, electrical snakes writhing as you wash your face and stare into the angry reds of your eyes in the mirror.
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that's not a giant rabbit man, that is just some black guy [Aug. 7th, 2010|09:12 am]
[Current Mood |awakesleep deprived to the izzo]
[Current Music |am i the only sour cherry on the fruit stand?]

the endless glug glug glug of diet energy drink, the lukewarm taste of metal, acid, and pixie sticks. it's like a lovely carbonated drain cleaner, a good way to wash out your mind out into a melty delicious delirium. that and spending the hours you should have been asleep laughing uncontrollably about John Malkovich and nudity and cheetahs and Disney.

another swig, it glug glug glugs down as the 102 degree weather washes over you. on the uncovered blacktop of a parking lot it is instant heat stroke and your fingers begin to fumble with your car keys like they were the most complicated of puzzles.

mmmm poisony.

pushing open the huge tinted glass doors, the hot air pouring in and over me, my hair icy from the overwhelming air conditioning is being brushed so quickly warm by its curling iron fingers, its dry heat kisses making my skin crackle in a wonderful way.

pushing through to the lovely, everything is funny, everything is tops delirium. almost there.
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sunbathing on a rainy as shit day. [Jul. 10th, 2010|10:36 am]
[Current Mood |happyhappy]

i press my nose into the twirling heart of the flower, my lips brush against the tender, hot pink petals as i breath in. a new sun lights up the dust motes and the filters through the plants. i step back and sigh at the scent of the roses, their petals giant and dancing to a twisted perfect center. i dig through a big bag for a pair of sunglasses and put on my tiniest skirt and my headphones. i lay back on a thick towel, but the dewy wet and rough of the grass and stones pokes through, seeking my sizzling flesh. i inspect my chipping Barbie neon pink nail polish and ruffle my hair with my fingers before closing my eyes behind the large black frames and drifting off, drinking in the sun and a diet lime coke.
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barbie colours, swimming pools, and verdant green standing tall in the boiling sunshine [Jun. 18th, 2010|05:10 pm]
[Current Location |where the living is easy]
[Current Mood |recumbentrecumbent]
[Current Music |dancing with myself]

laying back in the harsh and beautiful sun, cooking myself on a hot pink beach towel, my dark hair bleaching through with natural blond highlights, lips tasting of diet coke, seeing red through my eyelids. the sun fries me to that lovely shade of brown while i sigh, smoothing back my chlorine and coconut scented hair.
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flowers breathing a drowsy fragrance, a bulbous root breaking the cement, and dusty shafts of light [May. 26th, 2010|08:30 am]
[Current Mood |sleepysleep deprived]
[Current Music |let me lay waste to thee]

a floating old and dangerous daydream. a face pressed in the rain wet dirt under the hydrangeas. a sweet moment of relief, to collapse there, the early morning sunlight moving in tiny bursts, brushing lovingly against the leaves and coming through a golden green for it. giving up on my body, cheek caressing clammy cold flagstones, fingers kissing the poured cement, knees grinding into a puddle, i flee it. the overwhelming lack of pain, so brief, but the stillness stays as my palm fondles a nearby patch of grass, contemplating moving. my lips, freshly licked, catch and hold a dozen pieces of crape myrtle and impatient blossoms. the light licks at me, its shadows and beams dancing, and the garden creeps and lives all around.
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In hell there is no other punishment than to begin over&over again the tasks left unfinished in life [May. 21st, 2010|09:19 am]
[Current Location |hell]
[Current Mood |morosehell isn't other people.]
[Current Music |my blood wants to say hello to you]

bound by my own hair, gagged with my own fist. i kicked uselessly through the daydreams or hallucinations that passed. i had to move on from where i was, there was something driving me through it, my own will it seemed. i looked at the pale light that flooded the room, it seemed purple. i couldn't breath when i realised i was dead. i realised it was as useless to breath as it was to kick, to fight, or to hallucinate.

my hair swirled into me, i couldn't get away from it, ever in my face, binding my wrists so tightly that they tingled. it was easy enough to deduce, being that i was the only one in the room, that this was hell.

no trial, no purgatory? but then maybe this was purgatory, but it was too much, it was too much for that wasn't it? i couldn't even remember how or why i died. this was terrible, those pains, that constant and terrible ache that filled me, the one i was always told would drift away when i died had not. that ache, the horror of always being in pain in fact was my only thought. why had i ever wanted to live?

because i always thought, secretly, that there was maybe no this. i sighed and it echoed back to me.

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(no subject) [Apr. 17th, 2010|11:59 pm]
[Current Mood |thoughtfulwistful]

this was far more real than the rest of these hallucinations. there he was, hands out to catch me and then pulling me against his chest, it wasn't hard enough, that nagged at me at first then i pushed the thought away and drowned in him, the perfect recreation of his scent, the soft hair that fell against me, his husky voice saying something i didn't care to hear, something frantic, angry, and worried, something about fighting, something about struggling, demanding i do something i no longer could and no longer wanted to do. i felt something crack against my head, and then a far away scraping at my stomach, bubbles whipped around me but i couldn't follow their direction, there was no up anymore and my legs, too oxygen deprived to work anymore, wouldn't take me anywhere. then something was happening, he moved in, his pale pink lips so close, eyes wide open i moved too, flinching slightly when i realised what this would cost me when i woke up, my hair swirling in the hard current with his. the kiss was short, and i knew, i could feel the burning ache it cause, i knew the damage was done. and then we were sinking in the blackness, i was waiting for the sandy floor to plow into me but it didn't come, spots came into my vision and then i did something uncontrollable and absolutely foolish, i let what little air was caught in my cheeks and lungs out and gulped the cold water, taking it into my lungs were it tore at me and starved my brain. his cries and his anguished features weren't enough to make this awful, no it was far too lovely, far too beautiful now for that, it was comfortable until i became alert.

it wasn't water at all, there was road, road moving too fastv under me, scrapping at me horribly.
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a tattered coat upon a stick, unless, soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing [Apr. 11th, 2010|04:29 am]
[Current Mood |numbnumb]
[Current Music |sesame street on in the background]

i hoped i was fainting but, to my great disappointment, i didn't lose consciousness. my head smacked the floor hard and bounced, just once. i waited for the pain to flood through me but none came, just the same horrible ache in my stomach. my face pressed against the floor, my features crushed gently into the wood by the weight of my head, and obscured by my hair. i threw my arm out suddenly, striking it with all the force i could muster against the legs of my bedside table. the fierce soreness, the absolute blur of physical pain once again didn't come, despite the sickening crack. i closed my eyes and floated away into myself, into my shock, aching terribly and unsatisfied.
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